e’ll
be mindin’ aboot Wee Toaty Rid Ridin’ Hewd’s Grannyz wee but an’ ben in ra
wewdz? Weel, a while afore that thair uset tae be a coattidge near thair wi’
a man, ’iz wife an’ thair twa wee bairns livin’ in it. Ra man wiz awfy cluver an’ every Monday ’e uset tae go intae the toon sellin’ his special gloo roon’
ra dooarz. Aye that gloo wiz a guid make fur itz time. See ru wimmen pit it
along thair claez ropez so a’ the claez stuck tae it an’ couldnae git blawn
doon bi ra wund.
Haruyo
Chichibu (秩父晴世) as Gretel (a.k.a. Gretta) and Hanako Tsukino (月野花子)
as Hänsel (a.k.a. Shooie), Takarazuka Girls’ Revue (寶塚少女歌劇團),
Tokyo, January 1, 1936
A’right, so thae a’ goat a bit sticky at ra toap but tt wiz better than them
blawin’ up an’ doon ra back green gettin’ a’ cuverd wi’ glawr. The man wiz
ca’d Jimmy an’ he made a loat o’ money fur ’imsel’. Nuver boat hauf boattles
always fu’ yinz! The wee bairns wiz ca’d Shooie an’ Gretta. Dinnae boather
yirsel’ whit the wife wiz ca’d fur she soon ran awa wi’ a kiltie. Wiznae long
afore this right Juzzibel stairted chasin’ per Jimmy fur iz munnie, ra bamstick
fell fur it tae an’ mairried hur. So it wiz thut Shooieie an’ Gretta goat a
stepmither an’ we a’ ken thayre bad in ra fairy talez.
Fur ra next ten years everything wiz a’right, even though Jimmy hud tae
buy two fu’ boatlez at a time efter ’e goat merried, aye an’ that wumman drunk
them bith ’ersel tae. Still an’ a’ the bairnz needed a mammie aven though hawf
the time she wiz that fu’ she thoat thair wuz fowr o’ them. The bairnz had
turned twelve when the tragedy came, one Monday Jimmy came hame withoot even
a hauf boattle an’ nae munnie at a’. “Whoat dae ye mean cummin’ hame here withoot
onything?” Yelled the Juzzibel. “A didnae sell even yin poat o’ ma gloo ra
day.” answered per Jimmy, “Seeminly sum buddyz inventid widden things cawed
claithes pegz, an’ abuddyz buyin thum by the thoozan tae hud the claiz up.
Ma glooz obselicated! Ahm a ruin’d man I am!” Ra Juzzibel wiz right flamin’
aboot this … “Ye’ll git tae Pennicuik ra moarn an’ sell yir gloo thair, thay’ll
no ken aboot claiz pegz in Pennicuik.”
It wiz awfy sad when ’e goat thair they a’ready hud them hingin’ oan
every rope, even oan ra pulliez inside. Thur wiz a right rammy when ’e goat
hame, joabless, redunnant ut thirty!
Nae munny saved fur that Juzzibel hud drunk it a’ away.
Months passed an’ food goat less an’ less, a’ they hud tae eat wiz hauf
a cup o’ watery poarrage three times a day. The Juzzibel wiz doon tae hauf
a boattle o’ VP wine a week! Aye frae riches the faimily wiz doon tae poavurty.
Shooie an’ Gretta hud tae go oot every day tae gaither mushroomz in ra widz
but it wisnae long afore they’d gaithered them a’ an’ nane wur left.
Yin night, efter ra bairnz wiz in thur bedz the Juzzibel sez tae per Jimmy,
“See thae bairnz, thay’ll hae tae go. We cannae git ra munny tae feed thum an’ oorsels. Oh gin a kiltie wid cum by the noo tae tak me awa!” But nae kiltie
came. “Wuh’ll tak thae bairnz intae ra toon the moarn early an’ lose thum. Sumbdy’ll
find them an’ send them tae Doaktur Burnardoez, ye’ll see. Thuy’ll end up lernin’
a guid trade an’ we’ll be shoat o’ thum.” Jimmy thoat aboot it fur a while
“A’ right then. Ah suppose thair better in toon than starvin’ wi us here.”
Aye but see Shooie, he’d goat up tae look fur a wee bit o’ dry breid so
’e heard a’ this. “Ah’m no goin’ tae learn ony trade” ’e muttered. Next day
ra Juzzibel sayz tae Shooie an’ Gretta, “Cum oan then. Pit oan yur guid claiz an’ Ah’ll tak ye fur a walk in ra toon.” Awa she went wi them intae Embro itsel’
takin’ thum up an’ doon the closes until they didnae ken whair they wur. “Oh
my, see that coo staunin’ oan ra roof o’ that tenement!” yells Juzzibel..the
bairns look up an’ she runs awa hame. Puir wee sowels loast in ra big toon
ye might think, but ye’re wrong. “Dinnae fash yersel’, Hen!” said Hughie, “See
a’ thay emty beer boattles roon’ ra place? Ah’ve been watchin’ whair they a’
wir Wu’ll find oor wie hame bi following thur labelz.”
an so thay did. “We go three openin’z doon frae ra Mc Ewanz, four up
frae the Yungurz, an’ turn right at ra Wee Heavy. Cannae miss it” an’ so, wi’
the help o’ Scoatlund’z great breweries ra wains goat back tae ra widz. “Oh
Ah’ve been that wurried aboot ye baith.” yelled ra Juzzibel az she belted them
wi’ ra washin’ stick an’ sent them tae bed.
“Wuh’ll baith go ra moarn” she said tae Jimmy “Ah’ve goat a guid idea
this time roon” But Shooie wiz lissnin at ra door again.”Cum oan bairnz” shouts
Juzzibel in the moarn. “Thurz a right treat fur ye baith, tak yin o’ thae emty
jeely jaurs each, we’re gawn tae ra piktchirz. See you Jimmy, you’re cumin’
tae” This time they walked an’ walked a’ the wie tae Leith, but wee Shooie
watched a’ thae beer boattle labels oan the wey. “Och, it’ll be a doddle!”
he thocht. “Here’z ra pickcherz,” says Juzzibel, “Gie ra man yur jeely jaurs an’ in ye go. We’ll be waitin’ when ye cum oot. Ra Pickcherz wiz funny in thae
dayz, no like now. A’ thae hud wiz a sheet oan the wa an’ a candle in a boax,
semminly they pit slides in frunt o’ the boax so they shone oan ra sheet. A’buddy
liked this fur they didnae ken any better at the time.
Oorz laterwhen ra pickcherz came oot thur wiz nae sign o’ Jimmy or ra
Juzzibel fur they’d gaun hame withoout ra bairns. Gretta startit greetin but
Shooie hud a right laugh, “Wi urnae loast wee suster, see wuhl juist folli
ra boattles like afore.” But their wiznae ony boattles onywhair fur Jimmy hud
hud a guid idea. “Hey see a’ thae boattlez, if we pick thum a’ up an’ tak thum
tae ra pub we’ll git tuppence each fur thum. Thairz a fortune in ra streets
o’ Embro naebdyz found but me! Ra Juzzibel stole a feedin’ bag oaf a hoarse an’ they soon had it fu o’ boattles..hauf a croion at ra pub.. awy they went
for mair, an’ mair, an’ mair. They worked ’till it wiz dark an’ went hame rich.
At ra meantime puir Shooie an’ Gretta goat loaster an’ loaster an’ wandered
up an’ doon, suddenly Grettea said..”Oh whitz rat wee roon yellie thing thair? an’ thairz anither thatz rud, an’ yin thatz green an” “Hurreh we’ve found a
trail o’ Smarties!” shouted Shooie “We’ll folly it an’ see whair it goes tae”.
Away they went eatin’ the trail up ahint themsels. “Eh whitz that awfy nice
smell” says Gretta “Itz cummin frae rat shoap thair that the Smarties trail
goes intae.” In went ra bairns an’ found the very first chip shoap they’d ever
been in. “Cum awa in bairnies” said the auld wumman ahint ra coonter.
She took them untae her back room an’ gied them a fish supper each. “Heh,heh,
heh!” she croaket uz she left them an’ went back tae her shoap, “Ah’ve goat
ma slave labur at last”. Efter thaid finished thur fish supperz the auld wumman
came back, “Noo bairniez, hood ye like tae help me in ra shoap? Ye’ll git pudden
supperz when we shut.” So it wiz that ra wee sowlels stairted tae wurk in a
chip shoap. Wiznae long afore they wur daein a’ ra fryin’ while the wumman
took ra munny. an’ oor efter ra pubz came oot they goat thair pudden supperz.
“Cum away noo bairnies, ye cun ca me Granny noo. Ah’ll show ye yer bedz.”
It wiz awfy dark whair she pit them but they found blankets oan ra flair an’ went tae sleep. Next morning they found they were loaked in a shooge big
cage. Wiznae long afore ra wumman came in, “Aye that wiz ra cage Ah uset tae
keep ma bujjiez in, it’ll dae fur you twa noo. Ooot ye cum itz time tae start
yur wurk, but furst itz braikfust time” Thur braikfust wiz a big plate o’ cauld
chupz, left ower frae ra night afore, then they hud tae scrub ra flairz, wash
ra windaez, gaither up a’ the auld newspapurz, an’ start cuttin up ra tattiez
fur that night. “an gin ye dinnae dae whoat Ah tell ye Ah’ll dip ye in ra
batter an’ fling ye in ra geaze wi ra fat!
Frae then oan, except fur Munday nights, they hud tae dae a’ ra hard wurk
fur ra auld Biddie. Maist o’ ra time a’ they goat tae eat wiz left ower chipz,
hoat at night, cauld in ra moarnin’. When they wirnae wurkin they got loaked
in ra cage. They lived this wey fur munthz an’ munths an’ learnt a’ aboot chup
shoaps, even filletin ra fush an’ hoo tae cut white puddenz doon ra middle.
That miserable auld wumman nuver gied them ony munnie eether but they couldnae
huv spent it onywey loaked in rat cage. A’ she ever seemed tae dae wiz greewt
abbot ra awfy weather.
Jimmy missed hiz bairnz an’ used tae go a’ ower ra toon in iz hoarse an’ cairridge lookin fur them. Hoarse an’ cairridge? Aye, ye see he used tae cum
intae toon o’ a moarnin’ tae gaither up ra beer boattlez an’ sell them, frae
a pauper he became Ra Boattle King! Thur wiz munnie in boattlez in thae dayze.Uz
fur ra Juzzebel she’d goat drunk an’ fell doon ra well, Jimmy didnae care, he
jist goat ra tap water pit in insteed.
It wiz a year later and a right Embro summer day, cauld wi sma’ rain cummin’
doon fur weeks. They wur gettin’ ra chup shoap ready fur ra night when thair
wiz a noak at ra dooar. “Away ye go ye nyaff ye!” shouted ra auld wumman “Cun
ye no see ra sign? Wi urnae opun till efter five.” Intae ra shoap came a hansum
young man. “Would you be Miss Arabella Worthington?” he enquired. “Aye whit
the hell’z it tae yoo?” … “Miss Worthington, I bring you very good news, I
am from Littlewoods”..”Ye’ll be tellin’ me that Ah’ve wun ra pewlz nixt” sed
the crabbit auld biddie. “That you have my Dear, here’s a check for a million
pounds” … “Aboot time tae, Ah’ve been daein thae things fur sixty years Gie
me ra munny an’ find yer ain wey oot” So it wiz that ra hansum young man past
oot o’ Miss Worthingtonz life fur ever.
“Will ye juist luke ut rat weather” sayz the old biddie tae the bairnz
“See yew two, Ah’m away tae Majjoarka fur good, Ah’ll gie yew ra chip shoap.”
Aye Auld Arabella went tae live at Majjorka whair the sun aye shines an’ ye
nivver git drizzly cauld rain. Wusnae lang afore she goat this toay boay un
luved happy ever after, rinnin a cafe, sellin sossidge rowlz tae Unglish tewristz.
So Shooie an’ Gretta stairtet runnin ra chup shoap oan thur ain, they cleaned
it up and pit in a loat o new decorations. Wisnae long afore a’ boady whae
wiz onyboady wiz cummin thair. Yin day a cairridge drew up ootside an’ a weel
dressed man goat oot. “See yew, weel Ah’m fed up wi chicken an’ caviar, gie
me a haggis supper this verra meenit” Gretta looked at him “Hey a ken yew,
are you no ma faither? Hoo cum yer rich?” So Jimmy goat reyoounited wi his
faimily an’ oaften went tae see them fur pudden supperz. A handsome prunce and
a smasher o’ a princess cam in yin night fur fush supperz, they endit up steyin an’ mairryin Shohie an’ Gretta so a’ boady lived happy ever efter.
Matter o’ fact that’s thair chip shoap ower there. Whoats rat? How come
it’s caw’d Bertollini’s? Weel, they changed thair names tae Italian tae gie
ra place an’ extotical look. Wid Ah lee tae you noo? Be seein ye, Pal.