eh,
see that auld tenement ower thair? Aye, the condemned yin thair pu’in’ doon
the moarn. Weell, when it wiz new, an’ ye could even git waher oot o’ the taps,
a wee lassie lived oan the toap flair. A’buddy ca’d ’er Wee Toaty Rid Ridin’
Hewd except fur ’er mammie. Seeminly yin moarnin’ she wiz oot oan the road
wi’ ’er pals, playin’ at peevers when ’er muther stuck ’er heid oot the windae
an’ yelled … “Faimeeeeeee, cum up here this minit!” (Ye see, Faimie wiz ’er richt name. Ah dinnae ken whoat a’body ca’d ’er Wee
Toaty Rid Ridn’ Hewd fur.)
Rotkäppchen,
1883, by Albert Anker (1831–1910)
“Aaaaw, Maaaaa!” yelled the lassie, “Ah’m no want’n tae. Cun Ah no stie here an’
play at peevery beds?” … “Naw, ye’ cannae, yuh wee nyaff! Noo git up thae stairs
afore Ah melt ye!”
So up the stairs the wee sowel went. “See that string bag fu’ o’ nice
things? Ye’ve tae tak it richt tae yer Granny’s this very meenit. She’s been
pewrly an’ this’ll cheer ’er up … Thairs Kielerz jam, Liptunz ham, a poond
o’ best buher, oarangiz, aipplez, ten Woodbine, an’ a wee hauf boahul fur her … noo
away ye go wi’ it afore Ah gie ye a ding oan the lug.”
“But, Mammie, itz an awfy long wok tae her wee but an ben in the widz.
Ah dinnae want tae go!” Ding!!! So it wiz thut Wee Toaty Rid Ridin Hood picked
up the string bag o’ nice things and went tae her granny’z wee bit but an’
ben in the middle o’ the widz. She wiz a’ crabbit uz she walked along, a’ oaf
a sudden a voice said … “Hullooo thair, Hen! Whair ur ye goin tae wi’ that
string bag o’ goodies?” Richt in frunt o’ ’er wiz a shewge big wewlf, fur in
thae dayz, when tenements wur new, wewlfz cood tok, an’ wawked like men.
“Ah’m gawn tae muh Granniez,” said the wee lassie. “Aye that’ll be the
auld ducky whae lives in the but an ben in the widz? It’s an awfy long wie
tae cairry that big bag, Ah’ll cairry it fur ye, ye poor wee sowel.” “Naw, ye’ll
no!” shoutid Wee Toaty Rid Ridin’ Hewd, “Git loast, yuh dirty grait hairy loon,
ye!” An awey she wawked by ’ersel’.
But
the muckle great wewlf didnae git loast fur he kent a’ the shoart cuts roond
the closes. Afore ye cewd say “Auchtermuchtie
hooz yer faither” he wiz through the widz, an’ chappin’ at Granniez door. “Whaez
that?” said Granny. “It’s oanly me, ra poastie wi a tulligra,” the wewlf answered.
Pewr Grannie opened ra door an’ afore ye coud say “Ah loast ma loaket at Drumnadrochit” that moanster wiz inside the room.
Furst
he tewk Grannyz bunnet an’ shawl. Then he tied ’er up, shoved a hanky in
’er mooth, an’ pushed ’er unner ra bed. He pit oan the shawl an’ bunnet
an goat Grannyz glesses tae pit oan hiz noaz. Then he goat intae the big
bed
an waited.
It wiznae long afore there wiz a chap ut ra
door. “Iz that yew, Hen?” said the wewlf, “Cum away in! Nice tae see ye … Ye’ve nae idea hoo much Ah’ve
been sufferin.” So in cam the wee sowel wi’ the big string bag o’ goodies.
“Cum oan ower tae the bed, Hen! Ah cannae see ye that weel ower thair.”
“Petit
Chaperon Rouge”, 1897, by Gustave Doré (1832–1883) in Les Contes de Perrault
So ower cum Wee Toaty Rid Ridin’ Hood. She hud a look at ’er Grannie.
“Hey, Granny! Ah didnae ken ye hud such lang, hairy, pointy ears. Ye’re richt
ugly!” “That micht be richt, but Ah can hear ye weel enough,” said the muckle
great wewlf in disguise, “Hey, Granny, yer eyes is a’ yellie an’ bluddshoat,” said the wee lassie “Huv ye been oan that VP wine again? Is that whoat yer
sufferin’ fur?” “Mubbie so but Ah cun see ye weel enough,” said the nasty
big beast in disguise. “Hey Granny, see yer teeth? Weel, Ah think thair false
yins,” laughed Wee Toaty Rid Ridin’ Hewd. “Hoo did ye ken that?!” shoutid ra wewlf , “Onyhow, thair still gewd enuff
tae eat yew up! Aye, bonez an’ a’. Cumeer, ye sweet, wee sowel.” Oot o’ the bed
louped ra wewlf.
“Yuh stupit bamstick, ye!” laffl’t the toaty wee lass, “Ah’ll
huv ye know that Ah’ve goat black belts in judo an’ karate, un’ Ah’m weerin’
ma tackety buits under this sweet wee dress. Cumeer yersel, ye hairy awld fewl!
Ah’ll gie yew it!” An she did tae! Flung ’im a’ roond the place, stoated ’im aff the roof,
the wa’s, and the flair afore dauncin’ a’ ower ’im wi’ her tackety buits. She
pu’d Granny oot frae under the bed and cut ’er luise. “See yew, Granny? Yew
git stuck intae yer wee hauf boahle an’ Ah’ll git stuck intae yon muckle wewlf
again.” She pu’d him ootside by ’is tail an swung him roond three times … “Cheerio,
Pal!” she shoutid as he shoat intae the sky.
So Wee Toaty Rid Ridin’ Hewd an her Granny hud a smashin’ time wi a’ that jam
an Liptunz ham afore they a’ lived happily ever after. Whoat aboot ra wewlf?
Weel, see, that Hubbiloo tulliscope thing they’ve goat? Seemin’ly they saw
a long-eared hairy thing flyin past it the uther nicht … Thair still arguin’
whoat it wiz.
Weel,
that’z ma story … Coarse itz true, honestly.