Poems by the New McGonagall

By Tomas Mc Rae, Brisbane, Queensland, Australia

The Squidledeydoo

By William McGonagall (his spirit) via Tomas Mc Rae, ©2009

Whilst walking near the ocean blue

I bumped into a squidledeydoo

That waved its many tenticacules

And hissed, “Youse shoomans is damned fools!”

I responded to this shapeless clod

Of massive slimy cephalopod,

“How durst Thou mock me, quivering lump

Of jelly stuff? You cannot jump

Or skip and frolic all the day

Or sing a merry roundelay.

In fact, what bloody use are you,

You sad illiterate squidledeydoo?”

That squidledeydoo of monstrous size

Poured tears of sorrow from its eyes.

“I’m sorry you’re offended, Mate.

I can’t help bein’ hilliteratate.

Books pulled unnerneath the sea

Dun’t last long, I is tellin’ Thee.

I try an read but, quite absurd,

Salt water roons the printy word.

Oh, woe is me because the sea

Is wot gives me hilliteracy.”

I pitied the ignorant squiddledeydoo.

But what to help it could I do?

Then, by its side, beside the sea,

I opened my trusty ABC.

“For me extend your tenticacule.

I’ll sit on it and we’ll start school.”

And so it started reading letters

And soon was freed from illiterate fetters.

Fast improving cephy knowledge,

It gained admission to Balliol College.

Alas, its fate was far from starry

When College cooks made calamari.

Academic plans just did not matter

When they deep-fried it dipped in batter.

The moral: Friend, whate’er Ye do,

Don’t educate a squidledeydoo!