Poems by the New McGonagall

By Tomas Mc Rae, Brisbane, Queensland, Australia, ©1988

hen I acted out the role of the World’s Best Bad Poet on the Walkways at Brisbane’s WORLD EXPO 88 I added a few poems of my own in similar genre.

Here is one I still remember. I enjoyed reciting it outside the New South Wales Pavilion.

Funnelweb Spiders

In Queensland we’re liable to shark attacks,

And bites from taipans and red bellied blacks,

While everyone in Brisbane faces,

Redback spider bites in intimate places.

But we’re better off than Sydney Siders,

Who are menaced each day by funnelweb spiders!

It really is an awful pity

To have such things crawling all over a city

With eight long legs and a body all hairy,

Ready to pounce on you if you’re unwary.

The Sydney funnelweb’s name is Atrax,

And woe betide all those it attacks,

For when they get bitten they give a loud cry,

Turn blue in the face, roll over and die!

Atrax robustus is the spider’s full name,

So common round Sydney, it is a real shame.

Under stones and old tins and such things it is found,

And even in burrows deep under the ground.

It’s enough to make your flesh for to creep

To think of them crawling over you when asleep!

In Queensland a similar spider is found,

But it lives in quiet places high up off the ground.

Hadronyche formidibalis’s attacks are quite rare,

But of Sydney funnelwebs we all must beware.

I long for the day when we’ll only see ’em

In a jar of spirit in some dusty old museum.